Humorous & Interesting Stories with a Point
Compiled
By: Paul J. Bello
Introduction: Over these past many years I’ve been fortunate to have been a presenter/speaker at many industry conferences and meetings across the country. It is commonly stated that one of man’s greatest fears is that of public speaking and it was for me as well. One of the things which helped me to overcome this fear was the use of humor to kinda-sorta break the ice. Here below I’ve shared a number of humorous and interesting stories that may help you too, enjoy and use them well !
The Barber Shop Boy
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”
Reincarnation
A boy and a man sit on a couch together. The boy says to the man, “Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age either.”
Balloonist
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but, how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
The Consultant:
An American Business Consultant was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tunas. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The Consultant then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I drink cervesas and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”
The American scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “Fifteen to twenty years.”
“And then what?” asked the fisherman.
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”
“Millions you say, and then what?” he asked.
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could drink cervesas and play your guitar with your friends.”
An Engineer, God & Satan:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. Saint Peter checks his files and says, “Sir, you’re an engineer, I’m sorry but you’ve been assigned to hell.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Soon after, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning, flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on … and the engineer has become a very popular guy there.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone to check on things.
“So, how’s it going down there in hell?” God asked.
“Well, things are going great”, reported Satan. We’ve got air-conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and elevators. There’s no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!” he exclaimed.
“Wait, what? You’ve got an engineer? That’s clearly a mistake”, God said, “he should have never gone down there. You need to send him back immediately!” God demanded.
“No way! I like having an engineer on staff here and I’m keeping him!” Satan replied.
“Send him back up here or I’ll sue you!” God says.
At this Satan laughed loudly and replied, “Yeah right, and just where do you think you’re gonna find a lawyer?”
A Pessimist and An Optimist:
A pessimist’s and an optimist were out fishing about 50 miles off shore when their boat sprung a leak and sunk. There they were in an inflatable lifeboat surrounded by sharks when the pessimist exclaimed, “Oh my God, this can’t get any worse!” Towhich the optimist replied, “Oh yes it can!”
Asking for a Raise
“Sam walks into his boss’s office and says ‘Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.’
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. ‘By the way,’ asks the boss, ‘Which three companies are after you?’
‘The electric company, water company, and phone company!’
Praying for Money
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand.
Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention….”
Stock Buying & Selling
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.
“I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”
“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2.
The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”
“Great!” said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”
The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”
Paper Shredder
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night.
Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Certainly,” the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I just need one copy.”
Tight Fit Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.
“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet.
“Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.
“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”
Restaurant Order
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.
He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
New Son In Law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.
“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Secured Loan
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
“Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.”
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire.
Why in the world would you need to borrow?
The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”
DIY Advice
When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.
The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.
The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his frank response, the office manager asks, “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?”
“Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”.
“After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs.”
Milking Time
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman.
“How’s business?” asks the farmer.
“Not very good, I haven’t sold a tractor in months, how are things on the farm?” asked the salesman.
“Well– The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have.
I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling.
I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall.
I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall.
About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you!!”
A Wealthy Businessman:
Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty? It’s for people who can’t swim!
Money Worries
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant job.
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the small business owner said. “But mainly, I m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the business owner said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford to pay money like that?” he asked.
“That,” the business owner said, “is your first worry.”
Congratulations
A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
The business owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
Entrance
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new small business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another small business competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
Earings
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Chair Memo
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter…
“And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.
Phone Man
A young attorney rented a beautiful office and furnished it with beautiful antiques to impress his new clients.
However, no business was coming in.
Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wanting to look impressive, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a huge settlement.
He spoke loudly about his case and demanded a seven-figure settlement payment and said “or we’ll see you in court” as he slammed the phone down with great satisfaction.
He then looked up and asked the visitor “How can I help you today sir?”
To which the man replied, “I’m here to install the phone system.”
Trust
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, ‘I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.’
Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.
‘Now,’ said his father, ‘when I say, “Jump,” I want you to jump off the roof.’
‘But, Dad,’ said the boy, ‘there’s a huge drop!’
‘Do you want to succeed in business?’
‘Yes, Dad.’
‘And you trust me, don’t you?’
‘Yes, Dad.’
‘So do as I say and jump.’
The boy jumped.
He fell twenty-six feet, crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised.
His father went racing down the stairs and ran to him.
That was your first lesson in business, son.
Never trust anyone.’
Us
Boss: “I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase.”
Employee: “That’s because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?” Boss: “Right. Except for the us