How to Get Yourself Into a Termite Lawsuit;A Public Service Announcement posted here for your benefit and entertainment . . .

Question: Hey Paul, our business is going so well that it’s kinda-sorta boring. We need some excitement. What can we do to enjoy the thrill of being the defendant in a termite litigation? I mean really, tell us how we can get in one of these really deep, like record setting unbelievably deep.

Answer: Hmmm . . . are you sure you really wanna get involved as a participant in termite litigation?

Q: Yeah, we definitely do. We’ve seen some of those stories you’ve shared in the past but we wanna see what it’s really like for ourselves.

A: Okay, if you wanna be the Defendant in a termite litigation, and you wanna be in it up to your eyeballs, all you hafta do is the follow this cookbook type recipe here below:

• Only do partial, perimeter only type treatments. Even if you’re located here in the SE where every Industry reference book informs us that the Subterranean Termite pressure is amongst the highest in the Country,  and there’s Formosan termites too, just do perimeter only treatments.

• When you do these perimeter only treatments, don’t really follow the label directions. Like they said in Pirates of the Caribbean, they really “be only guidelines” or suggestions. It’s totally not necessary to read the entire label and do all that unnecessary stuff like treat the soil all the way down to the top of the footing and drill stuff.

• Drill bits are costly and drilling takes too long to do. Just skip it. You’ll save a lot of time and reduce unnecessary noise while at the customer’s house. Your customer doesn’t want you at their house that long anyway. Plus, she’s busy watching TV and doesn’t wanna be disturbed.

• Our Industry motto years ago was “Guardians of Our Environment”. By not drilling where necessary and avoiding application of those nasty pesticides, you’re being an exemplary Professional by causing no noise or pesticide pollution of the environment. Good for you and the neighborhood where you’re working !

• Annual Inspections. Talk about another waste of time, right? I mean, really, why do them at all. You probably have better ways to invest your time. So, if you decide to do Annual Termite Reinspections, ATRs, for Godsakes only do inspections of less than ten minutes. Actually, seven minutes. Yeah, that the ticket, just seven minutes is perfect.

• Crawlspace. Repeat after me, Crawlspace Schmallspace. Whatever you do, NEVER go into the Crawlspace when doing an ATR . . . Never !

• Customer Correspondence. Ya know, we could go either way on this one. You could go with zero correspondence, or, go ahead and send them stuff. Now, if you decide to send them information type stuff be sure to adhere to the following guidelines; don’t put dates on anything, tell em that they’re valuable customers, tell em that you did a complete comprehensive treatment of their home, tell them that the chemicals applied only last up to five years and they hafta purchase another comprehensive treatment to best protect their home which is their greatest single investment,  remind them that you’re an excellent company and you do all this termite work stuff really, really well (even though you don’t, who’s gonna know?).

• ATR Written Reports. This is an important one, don’t mess this up. No matter what you see during an inspection, always report No Visible Signs of Termite Activity Found During This Inspection. After all, no one wants to hear bad news about their house !

• Remember, by not going into the crawlspace and limiting your inspection time, it helps you to “be honest” when you report No Visible Signs . . . it’s important to be honest.

• If the customer reports termites are swarming at their house and this is happening after dark, plus they sent you photos and videos . . . ALWAYS ease their mind by telling them these two very important things 1) Nothing to worry about, they’re flying ants, 2) We’ll send a technician out to be sure.

• When the Technician goes out there, be sure that he tells them “It’s flying ants”. Remember that nothing is more important than the Customer’s peace of mind !

• Customers can be a bit annoying and pesky when you think about it.

• Customer Photos, Calls & Emails. No matter what, always take a few extra days or weeks to respond. In fact, use an algebraic formula where the longer they’ve been a customer,  the longer it takes for you to call them back. This is a solid business policy and procedure that assures great success.

• When a customer sends an email with photos of visually obvious subterranean termite damage, you know, where you can see the termite mud in the pics . . . ALWAYS . . . and I mean ALWAYS, tell them “that’s water damage”. Remember that peace of mind thing !

• The Internet. That pesky internet thing. Sometimes the Customer will look things up on the internet and see that it actually is termites. How annoying is that, right? When this happens, ALWAYS remind them who the Professional is here. Remember, people crave structure in their lives and need to be put back in their place.

• Department of Agriculture. Talk about annoying people, yikes! Occasionally the Department will inspect your Customer’s home at their request. Sometimes they’ll actually go into the crawlspace and find stuff. Whodathunk, right? Not only that but, they’ll take photos, videos and issue a written report. And, as if that isn’t enough, they’ll sometimes send you a written correspondence which reports their findings that includes the additional termite work that you need to do at this house to bring it up to minimum requirements. What the heck? Okay, this is really important to get right here. No matter what you do, do not do what the Department says to do ! It’s probably just suggestions anyway. Nevertheless, don’t even do that stuff even though you know they’re gonna reinspect afterwards to make sure you did it. We pay taxes, make em come out there like three or four times. Force em to issue like twenty violations . . .

• Congratulations, you’re now named in a termite litigation. How can you make it even worse? Good news, you can. Simply follow the easy to do steps here below.

• When you go to the Customer’s house don’t show up in a work truck and dressed for work. Nope. Arrive in like a new corvette or some fancy type car. You need to show em you’re a success, they’ll immediately respect that.

• Whatever you do, lack empathy and seem uncaring. No one respects a wimp.

• Better yet, have an attitude and be disrespectful of the customer in his own home. You show em who’s in charge here !

• Deny, Deny, Deny. I’m talking like Alec Baldwin the gun went off by itself deny !

• Records & Documentation. Don’t have any. And whatever you have, be sure it’s incomplete and missing required information. Yeah, do that.

• Website. Be sure that your website tells the World how great your Company is. Really go overboard on this, it’s that important.

Okay, there ya go . . .

Just do that stuff and you’re sure to get to meet Termite Tom or some other Attorney type guy that does that sort of litigation work. As an added bonus, you’ll get to know your insurance people way better. And, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get to meet new insurance people too.

Have a great day folks !